When We Rush Say “It’s Okay” to Our Kids

Actually, it's okay that you're not okay.

It happens almost in slow motion. A kid is sprinting across the asphalt, gleefully chasing his sibling in the crisp outside air. Lost in his game, he doesn’t see the bump—a gnarly tree root that sticks up from the ground. It catches his foot. He launches forward, pure energy catapulting him forwards into the air. His arms flail sideways, and before he can put them out to brace his fall, he smacks into the ground with his knees and cheeks simultaneously, coarse grains of asphalt ripping into the soft flesh of his face. There is blood. There is screaming. Everything hurts.

A parent races over while the rest of us adults hover around awkwardly, nervously anticipating the fallout. His face is red and angry. He looks equally mad and surprised, which makes sense—I too would be both furious and bewildered if my face was used as a brake against a nasty fall. But what happens next to the child is all too common.

“You’re okay,” the adult says. “Stand up, you’re okay, you’re okay.”

Even with affection and love, I see grown-ups head straight to their kiddos, pick them up, hold them, hug them, and then murmur into their ears, “you’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay.”

What do we mean when we rush to say “it’s okay” to our kids?

What is disconcerting about this phrase is that the kid may quite literally not be okay. They are bleeding, they are angry, they are hurt, and they are a whole swirl of emotions.

Yet in this bizarre contradiction, we tell the kid they are feeling the opposite of what’s actually going on. We don’t say “gosh, that looks like it hurts,” or “ow, that seems incredibly painful.” They might feel okay in the future, and things will likely get better, but the experience right at this exact moment? Pain, hurt, embarrassment, surprise, discomfort, frustration, or annoyance are some of the possible feelings.

It made me wonder why we’re using this phrase—“you’re okay”—with each other. In part, it feels soothing and safe, the warm arms of a parent holding you, letting you cry, and telling you that things are going to be alright. On the other hand, it seems as though it’s the parents that are uncomfortable, hurrying their kids along towards “better,” forgetting to sit with the emotions at present. Are we helping our kids or are we dismissing their lived experienced?

Why do caregivers so often use this phrase “you’re okay” as a knee jerk response?

Curious about why parents so often use this knee jerk “You’re okay” parental reaction, I reached out to clinical psychologist and emotional fitness expert Dr. Emily Anhalt to ask her perspective. She explained that both scenarios are likely possible, and it has to do with the relationship we have to our own feelings, as well as the relationship we have to the child.

According to Dr. Anhalt, in parenting psychology, attachment and attunement are ideas about the connective quality of the relationship between the kid and the adult. When someone is attuned to you, they understand and sense what’s going on, and can feel what it’s like to be in your skin. It’s a quality of emotional empathy where we connect to the person in front of us. 

An important part of attunement less talked about is that we also need to pay attention to what is going on inside of us—as the parent—in these moments. Recognizing and being more aware of what feelings we are having in the present moment will help us see both sets of feelings as distinct, instead of conflating our feelings with that of the child. Perhaps we are scared, but they are not scared. Perhaps we are not worried, but they are very worried.

“Sometimes it can be helpful to tell kids ‘you're okay’ as a reassurance that you've assessed the situation and they're safe,” Dr. Anhalt said, “although I also agree that when used too much it can invalidate their experience.”

“There can be a sense that as parents we are supposed to make tough emotions go away for our kids, but we don’t have to do that,” Dr. Anhalt explained. It’s more important to be with them, right there in that space, than try to “fix” what’s going on. One of the hardest things to do as a human being is be present with our own emotions, and as parents, we have double the job: to be there with our own experience, and to support and be there with our children as they go through the world, too.

“If you notice that you always race past the ‘feelings’ space with your kids, or you always want to make everything ‘okay' right away, that’s an important piece of feedback for yourself,” Dr. Anhalt said. “It might be a sign that you yourself weren’t given space to feel your feelings when you were younger. Were you allowed to feel sad or scared as a kid?” If you weren’t, then this might be brand-new for you, and the first step might be learning to become more comfortable with our own emotions.

Sometimes it’s actually us that’s uncomfortable—because for some reason or another, we’re not used to being around other people’s big emotions.

Sometimes when we aren’t uncomfortable with others’ emotions, it’s actually our own emotions about the situation that we’re uncomfortable with. Put in plain language, sometimes when other people are hurting or in pain (or happy!), it can be hard to be around. There are so many reasons why it can be hard to be around other people’s feelings, and yes, therapy can be important to figuring out the root causes. But before that, it can be helpful to get curious and ask, “When was I allowed to feel this feeling? What did I learn about this feeling or situation growing up?”

So at the playground, when the kid is screaming “I’m in pain,” our job as parents is to assess the situation, and to be there for the kid through the experience. Sometimes that might mean reassuring them that everything is okay, but often, it may mean spending time with them as they feel their feelings and process what’s happened.

And if we find ourselves tempted to reduce their emotional outburst, to “fix” them, to tell them to skip past what they’re feeling and go directly to “okay,” then that likely means there is work we must do to heal our own inner child.

So what do you say to a kid who just fell? Start by giving words to possible feelings.

So what do you say to a kid who has just fallen and is running towards you? Start by narrating their experience. “Oh goodness, you just took a big fall, didn’t you!” “That looks pretty painful, I bet it hurts right there on your knee and on your head. Does it hurt anywhere else?”

We’re making a best guess at what they might be feeling. “If you don’t know what their experience is, you can give words to these big feelings they may be experiencing and then ask if it’s true for them,” Dr. Anhalt said. For example, “I think you might be feeling hurt and angry, is that right? Is that true for you?”

Listen to what the kiddo says and what they say they need, too. Having a big feeling is a big deal, and humans need other people around to help us process and make sense of these emotions. As caregivers, part of our job is teaching our kids about their feelings and emotions, and helping them with the language to understand and describe the way they feel.

Of course, it is hard to see our children in pain. All I want to do is scoop my kids up and protect them when they are hurt! But if we race past the feelings of the moment and ignore what’s going on in the “right now”—the scraped knee—we might be teaching our kids to ignore the signals and sounds of their own bodies. Pain is not the enemy, and feelings are not meant to be erased. Therefore, it’s important, although certainly hard at times, to listen to our feelings and hear what they have to say. 

The next time my kid falls down, I hope I ask him how he’s feeling and what the experience was like for him. I also hope that I listen to him.

While it may seem easier to try and erase the pain with a cacophony of “You’re fine, you’re fine, it’s okay,” it’s not always the right phrase. Sometimes we need to be comforted, and sometimes we need to know that even when things are rough, we’re safe around our people.

Just as you do not wish to have your feelings trivialized, the same goes for our children. Being seen, validated, and supported by others can do wonders.

It’s okay to not be okay, too.

— Sarah Peck
CEO & Founder
Startup Parent

I had a hard day, I fell down, and right now I’m not okay. I will be—but right now, I need a good cry, a long shower, and then to sleep. We’ll try again tomorrow.

A FUTURE OF WORK TO BELIEVE IN

• At Startup Parent, we believe that parenting shouldn’t be at odds with work—and the insights from your parenting journey propels you as a leader that this world needs. We disrupt the myths of parenting to tell true stories of motherhood, fatherhood, and parenting today.

• The Startup Parent Podcast is an award-winning podcast ranked in the top 1% of podcasts globally. Join us as we interview parents about what the future of work, life, and leadership look like. Click here to add the show to your player.

• Are you already a fan of the podcast? Become a paid subscriber and get access to our exclusive bonus podcast, Ask Sarah, a show made just for our backers.

• If you're a working mom looking for a community that understands you, apply to join The Wise Women's Council, our leadership incubator for entrepreneurs, executives, and managers who are also moms. The program runs annually and we open for applications twice per year. Click here to apply.